This is a very popular topic when it comes to Children’s Ministry. Whenever I have been to a Children’s conference there is always a talk given on discipline and it is always well attended. So I thought it would be good to address it early on. Now I’m not going to claim to cover everything in just one blog post, that would be next to impossible. (And I would even like to write another post in the future on “Discipline in the home” aimed more at parents.) However, I am going to try to give you some helpful tips on discipline.
What is discipline?
What do you think of when you hear the word ‘discipline’? I bet that most of us think: punishment. But if you look up ‘discipline’ in the dictionary the word used most often to describe discipline is not punishment, but rather improvement. So instead of thinking of discipline as punishing bad behaviour we should rather think of it as improving bad behaviour.
Why is it important?
There are many reasons for disciplining children, but as Christians we don’t just want the children in our classes to listen to us for the sake of listening to us. Our aim isn’t to keep the children under control until their parents come and fetch them. Our aim is to see them come to a saving knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. And they won’t be able to do that if they are misbehaving, or they are distracted by others who are misbehaving, and therefore unable to hear what we are trying to teach them about Jesus.
1) Reasons why children misbehave
- Seeking Attention
There are so many different possibilities as to why children could be seeking attention. But often it is because they are acting out because of some change that has happened or is happening. There could be a new sibling, their parents could be getting divorced, a death in the family, they could be moving house, the list is endless.
What can you do? – If there is a child who is usually well behaved and is now acting out, try and find out what is causing this change in behaviour. Speak to their parent/s (or guardian/s) to better grasp the situation. This will help you to be more understanding of their behaviour and how best to deal with them.
- Discomfort
I know when I am uncomfortable I can’t concentrate properly. For example: When I’m cold I find it very difficult to concentrate on what the Pastor is saying. It is the same with children, except they haven’t “learnt” how to sit still and look like they are concentrating. So they misbehave.
What can you do? – Look around your classroom or environment. Is the sun in their eyes? Is the floor too cold or hard? Are the chairs too small? Have they been sitting for too long? Then try and change whatever you can about the situation.
- Distractions
Children are easily distracted by everything around them. They have not yet learnt how to filter out the world around them and focus their attention on what is happening in front of them.
What can you do? – Again look around and see what can be changed to help them. Are there any toys around? Pack them away. (If they have brought their own toys, take them away and give them back at the end of the lesson.) Are there any distracting noises, like the air-conditioning or children from another classroom? Now you might not be able to change some of these things, but being aware of them helps. Then you will be able to tell the children not to worry about whatever may be distracting them, but rather to concentrate on what you are doing.
- Restlessness
A child’s attention span is said to be about 1 minute per year of age. So a 3-year-old child can concentrate for about 3 minutes. Therefore, it is understandable that they will become bored and restless if we expect them to sit still and listen to a 40 minute sermon.
What can you do? – So that doesn’t mean that everything you do has to only be 3 minutes long. What it does mean is that you will need to change what you are doing every 3 minutes (or longer for the older children). You need to shift their attention and help them to refocus. Change your style of teaching: use pictures, objects, videos or songs. Break up the story with question time to make sure the children are still concentrating. Get the children to move their bodies: Clap their hands, touch their head, knees, shoulders, etc. or play ‘Simon says’ or get the children to jump up and down 10 times and then sit again. Anything you can think of really.
- Frustration or Boredom
When you give a child a task that is too difficult for them to do or when you are giving a lesson, but you are not talking at their level of understanding, they will not understand and they will get frustrated and so they will start to misbehave. The opposite is also true. If you give a child a task that is too simple, they will complete that task too quickly and then get bored.
What can you do? – You need to be careful about the words you use and use appropriate size sentences for the age you are dealing with. Likewise, you need to give age-appropriate activities. For example: You won’t give a 3-year-old a word-search.
- Medical condition/ Special needs children
There will be times when you will have a child with some sort of disability or special need, like ADHD or autism, that will make it difficult for them to learn. Difficult, but not impossible!
What can you do? – Find out as much as you can about this special need so you will be able to know how best to deal with these children.
- Just plain naughtiness
The Bible gives us the reason why children (and adults) do not listen and obey all the time. It is because we are sinful (Rom 3:10ff). So this behaviour should not come as a surprise to us, it is to be expected. But there are ways that we can minimise this behaviour.
What can you do? – We need to be praying for ourselves and for the children in our classes. Ask God to help you to be patient and to know how best to discipline. But also pray for the children and their behaviour.
2) How to minimise misbehaviour
- Be in control of your class
Children need to know who is in charge. This doesn’t mean shouting and screaming all the time. You don’t want the children to be scared of you. But you also don’t want them to think that they can walk all over you. Children need to know that there is someone who knows what is happening and what needs to happen. If you are new to the whole Children’s Ministry thing and you are feeling nervous. That’s fine. It’s normal. Just don’t show it to the children. Appear to be calm and confident and they will believe that you are in control. A big thing that can help with this is the way you speak. If you speak very softly, no one is going to listen to you, but if I speak loudly and clearly you will have everyone’s attention.
- Aim to prevent rather than punish
Get to know the children in your class. Then you will be able to know what situations can cause them to misbehave, as we mentioned above. Then do your best to avoid those situations as much as possible.
- Positive reinforcement
Now there is a little saying that I find very helpful, “Behaviour that gets rewarded, gets repeated”. If a child is looking for attention by misbehaving and you keep shouting at them, you are giving them the attention they are seeking, even if it is negative attention. So their bad behaviour is being “rewarded”. Instead you need to try to give them attention when they are being well behaved. That way they will repeat the good behaviour to receive your attention. So be sure to reinforce any good behaviour that you may see, no matter how small. This can be done by using a star chart or some other sort of reward system.
- Set clear guidelines
Basically, this is about making rules and having consequences for rules that are broken. (We will talk more about the consequences later.) Children need to know what the rules are and that you will keep your word if those rules are broken. This makes them feel safe. So they will push those boundaries as far as possible, to test and see if the boundaries really do exist. When you carry out the consequences, the children know that you will keep your word. Therefore, it is important not to make empty threats.
When coming up with rules you shouldn’t have too many, especially with young children. And be sure to make the rules short and simple so they are easy to understand and will be remembered. It is also a good idea to make them positive rather than negative. For example: “listen” instead of “don’t talk”. For younger children who can’t read yet you can use pictures to illustrate the rules. You might also want to let the children “make their own rules”. This will give the children a sense of ownership over the rules. When doing this you should have some sort of idea of the rules you want to have and make suggestions.
- Be well organised
You need to know what you want to do and when you want to do it. Make sure you have everything you need nearby so you don’t have to go looking for it and leave the children unattended. It is also helpful to have a structured routine. This is especially important for younger children or for those who have some sort of disability or special need.
- Class helper
Sometimes it is helpful to make the child, who is constantly misbehaving, your little helper. This will give them the attention that they are seeking and a sense of responsibility. It will also keep them busy which means they will be less likely to misbehave.
3) Consequences for misbehaving
We have spoken all about what we can do on our part. But as we said earlier we are all sinful, so the children aren’t always going to behave even when everything is perfect. So what can we do practically to discipline a child when they misbehave?
- Warn and move – One of the most effective ways to discipline children is the warn and move strategy. Warn the child of the consequences if they continue to misbehave, then carry out the threat. “If you don’t stop doing that you will have to come and sit next to me.” This works well to separate two children who are causing each other to misbehave.
- A time out – Any area that they need to go and sit or stand for a few minutes. This time is very much dependent on the age of the child. So if they are 3-years-old, not longer or shorter than 3 minutes. They must wait in the area until you go and call them to return to the group.
- Assistants – This is a great way to utilise your assistants. They can sit next to a child who is continually misbehaving. It is hard to misbehave when you have an adult sitting next to you.
- A class mascot – When dealing with younger kids you could have some sort of teddy that gets sad when the children misbehave and is happy when they behave.
- Remove from the classroom – If a child is being particularly difficult send them to the supervisor or to another class, but never send them out to be by themselves. You can send the older children to the baby class. Most of them will quickly change their behaviour if you threaten to send them there again.
- Parent/s or guardian/s – If you have tried everything and they still aren’t listening then you might need to call their parent/s (or guardian/s) or even send them to sit in the service with them. Now you might be reluctant to do this because you don’t want the parent/s (guardian/s) to get upset. But remember what I said right in the beginning, our aim is to teach children about Jesus and if we are unable to do that because of one child then they may need to be removed for a time. This will allow the parent/s (guardian/s) to step in and assist with discipline.
4) Reconciliation
When a child has misbehaved and you have had to punish them it is important to talk to them afterwards. We do not only want the children to listen and obey just because we tell them to, we want them to do so from a changed heart. A heart that loves Jesus and wants to do what pleases him, which includes obedience. Then you want to gently guide them to a point of repentance and reconciliation. You want to encourage the child to apologise to you and to God, by praying. Then you need to forgive them. By doing this you will be demonstrating to them how God has forgiven us.
Our aim is to see children come to know the Lord. However, they won’t be able to do that if they are misbehaving and therefore unable to hear what we are trying to teach them. There are many different reasons why children misbehave, but there are some things that we can do to help minimise bad behaviour. But unfortunately, there will be times when we will need to discipline the children within our class. When that happens we need to bring them to a point of repentance and reconciliation.
Thanks for reading my post. I hope you found it helpful. Please send me any feedback, comments or questions that you may have. I would also like to hear if there are any topics that you would like me to deal with in the future. Any suggestions will be greatly appreciated.
Bye for now.
“May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.” (Romans 15:13)
*** Reference: Carmichael, S, 2000, Their God is so Big, Matthias Media, Australia
Very insightful and helpful. Thank you Marion.